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I went to my favorite resturant/bar today for lunch which is a usual spot for me...the down side is it's a usual spot for Adrian too. I walked in and saw her today. This is the first time I've seen her in nearly two weeks. We were the only two people in the whole fucking place. As soon as I saw her I stopped (thought about turning and just leaving)but then Terri my fav bartender said "Hey Klenk, what's up?" So I greeted her but not Adrian and then sat behind her and not at the bar as I normally do. It was wierd.�Sat there for a few moments, ordered my food and then she did it: "Hey Klenk, what's up?" My heart sank. I wanted to spill my heart out and be like "I love you and am miserable without you. I want to spend eternity with you." But I didn't. I kept it short and not so sweet. She just got a "Hey" the I resumed drinking my cranberry vodka. She got the hint that I wasn't into�talking to her but I wasn't gonna let her ruin my steak and drinks. A few moments went by and I recieved a few texts and I don't think she could stand not having my attention. She turned and said: "Is your wireless working? Mine's not." Again, I wanted to say something sweet to make her smile or say something that only me and her would find funny. But I didn't. I didn't even look at her. I just said "Yep" and resumed eating.

I knew that if I gave in I'd be putty in her hands again. As much as I love her and want to be with her I just keep telling myself that she'll never change.

omg yesterdayy i hunng out wit mii boo :] yeah he came over rite after skool but he had to go home early cuz i had dance practice which was soo gay cuz i wannted to hang out with him...so after i got bak from practice EVERYONE WAS GONE�� � i was home alone :]] soo me and him where textin and i told him to get a ride bak over :] so yeahh we hung out tilll like 7 wen his grama got off...and no one even found out :] it was kinda good we hung out cuz we was talkin about us...i love beein wit that boii, but anywaisee mi brotherss will be here innnn like not evenn 5 hours :]]�

Loosing it beyond control,

The story of my life,

That no one knows.

I love to sing,

I love to write,

The pen in hand,

I hold so tight.

Poems with love, happiness and joy,

Sorry but that’s not me.

That would be some one else sweet pea.

Darkness, sweeter then hell,

Lies, nothing like a fairytale,

Is what I write,

So come with me,

As we all say good night.

�

�

I look out the window,

Of this old broke down house,

I remember what it is,

That I was all about.

I open the closet door,

And hold my small head high,

Because if not,

I am bound to cry.

Nothings apart of me,

In this old empty house,

Nothing but the blood shed on the wall,

Tears, no happiness at all.

�

�

Like a caged bird I sat and I sang,

Of freedom, for life that I may lead.

Like a caged bird, I sat and I wrote,

Stories of a life, that everyone took as a joke.

Now though, I’m sitting, here.

Loneliness, compressed by nightmares.

Daddy don’t hit me,

Daddy please stop.

Eyes rolling,

Heart not.

�

�

I’m hiding a life you see,

One of bitterness,

No drink of sweet tea.

�

I’m crying,

But no one knows.

My hearts flying, beyond that rectangle window.

Now I’m looking in here you see, a life that I was supposed to lead.

I hold my head high,

As I walk down the stairs,

This is where I begin the night mare.

I just had a great talk w/my great friend Sarah. She's been going through something similar though not on the same scale. Thank goodness that her's ended somewhat soon and hasn't been dragged out like my situation. I've been so lonely since my relationship w/ Adrian ended. I really hadn't been close to anyone in 4 years or so and when I did open my heart finally it didn't really work out as I had envisioned it. Oh well. I'm trying desperately to move on but it's sooo hard when we work close together and share mutual friends. I just know in my brain that it's a stupid situation. The bad thing is that my heart likes to argue w/my brain =/

I'm struggling with missing her still. I've been spending more time at home and I catch myself looking out the window sometimes when I go to the kitchen just hoping that she pulls in my driveway. But I also wonder at the same time if it's her I miss or the feeling of being in love. Hmmm...

Late

We saw two deers strutting out in the field at work.� Beyond there is the golf course.

The other time, I walk down the Hamilton hike trail slope and couple of elk sprinted passed us.� It was a large elk.� Tim and I were startled.